Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
then why did i get this email
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.