Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*