There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Reporter: *ports again*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers