My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Practicing safe sax
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
#SaturdayBears
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*