The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*limbos away from your hug*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
⚠️ Important Reminder:
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I wish this was real life…
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
And bowling should be called pinball
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it