I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions