Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.