[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
When can I start eating bats again.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.