Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….