What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
#dalle2
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Twitter is an abusement park.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Inside you there are two wolves
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend