[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
DOOO EEEET
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.