[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.