My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.