the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Lmaoo 😂
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Tough love is true love
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.