Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I am having an out of money experience.