When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now