What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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We’re all getting idioter.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Beware…..
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!