Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese