This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee