in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
That’s easy for you to say
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin