Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You Might Also Like
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.