Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Your honor these allegations are
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”