I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”