All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
LOL!
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.