Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir