nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
You Might Also Like
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
where the womens at?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine