There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
🙅🏻
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?