Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
#NeverForget
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.