Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT