[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You Might Also Like
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The Birdles
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
lost dog
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.