Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80鈥檚 or 90鈥檚 you鈥檙e a little gross for doing that but you鈥檙e also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It鈥檚 a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i鈥檝e ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn鈥檛 a kind of drink.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
There鈥檚 no gangsta way to pull on a push door
It鈥檚 too bad my sister wasn鈥檛 kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I don鈥檛 know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.