Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*puts words between two asterisks*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba