My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.