Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If you need a laugh.. 😅
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*