THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No