Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Going to church you guys need anything
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”