Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.