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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
lost dog
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.