Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*me flirting
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.