who called it hell and not heaven’t
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em