Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me, in DM rooms…
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
looks legit