I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”