14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My biological clock is wheezing.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Is….Is this an option?