I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The absolute effort that went into this omg
boat question
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
decorating my apartment
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed