The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band