[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.