hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
PLOT TWIST:
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
lol
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
what?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster