Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭