Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You Might Also Like
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.