Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns